RAW CRITIC'S "ZOHAN" REVIEW

HEY EVERYBODY, LONG TIME NO CRITIC. BUT LET ME TELL YA, I GOTS A DOOSY OVA 'ERE WITH THE MOVIE "DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN". THE TITLE ALONE GETS A COUPLE OF SARDINES AND THE AMOUNT OF HUMMUS USED IN THIS MOVIE GETS ONE SARDINE 'CAUSE I LIKES THE HUMMUS. THIS FUCKIN' MOVIE SHOULDN'T BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, LIKE MY BUDDY DID WHO WALKED OUT 10 MINUTES IN, WHAT A DOUCHE ... DON'T WALK OUT. THIS MOVIE HAD ME FROM THE GETGO...SO STICK AROUND AND HAVE A FUCKIN' GOOD TIME.

P.S ORDER THE HOT DOGS THEY ARE KILLER.

I GIVE ZOHAN 4 SARDINES OUTTA 5

Quint arm wrestles with THE INCREDIBLE HULK... guess who wins...

I’ve commented on the movie from time to time as various trailers and stills… I believe the words I used were “it looks cool, but uninspiring.”

So that’s where I was when I saw the film. I liked Ang Lee’s movie, but as much as I defended it when it came out I can honestly say I haven’t had any desire to re-watch it, even though I picked it up on DVD. IRON MAN rocked my socks off and I was hoping I didn’t feel “meh” on THE INCREDIBLE HULK.

And I don’t feel “meh” on THE INCREDIBLE HULK. I actually feel pretty energized, still after nearly a week. Is it as good as IRON MAN? Nope, but it’s still pretty damn good. Edward Norton is great in the role, great enough, in fact, to sell the CG character when he appears.

As a reboot it’s a success. I spoke with Kevin Feige before the screening (look for that interview very, very soon) and he said that all over Marvel’s history you’ll find one-shots, different artists' interpretations of character origins or specific moments within the history of a certain character, and that’s how they viewed Ang Lee’s movie going in and that’s how it feels.

The movie opens with a great credits sequence that gives you flashes of the origin before it drops you in the middle of a story already in motion. I love movies that do that and by viewing this film as a reboot they assume you get it and if you don’t , well… you get a recap during the credits, almost like an episode of Lost or 24.

What’s great in the opening is that they don’t blow their wad with a big CG sequence. When the experiment does go wrong and the Hulk appears, you see from his point of view, and you can feel the rage just in how the camera moves… and the destruction he leaves completely sets us up… You see General Ross terrified, you see Betty hurt… and now we know where Norton stands, where Betty stands and where General Ross stands.

What’s interesting to me with General Ross’ character is that you come to suspect that he is driven to capture Banner not out of any need other than to capture the being that dared put fear into him.

Louis Leterrier does a fine job of keeping the movie running, but taking time for the slow build. In a way, I wish they could have kept the Hulk out of the trailers because it does undercut the build a bit.

Norton spends the first part of the movie in Brazil, hunkering down, looking for a cure. He works at a bottling factory, which is a great set in the daytime and an even better set at night when we see the first Hulk out.

This was far and away my favorite scene in the movie. It’s not as big or flashy as the later CG rampages, but that’s what I love about it. Leterrier treats it as a horror scene. When the Hulk enters the scene, he’s kept in shadow. The soldiers and local roughnecks are terrified. You hear the destruction, then you see it a second later, just missing Hulk in the act.

And the sound design… that’s what sells the scene. In many ways we are the eyes of Tim Roth’s Emil Blonsky for this sequence and just as he is awed by what is going on, so are we.

This is also the first time we hear The Hulk speak, but it’s very subtle, many in the audience not hearing it. It could have been the growl of destruction, but it very much wasn’t.

Loving this sequence doesn’t mean the CG is shitty. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little cartoony when the big Abomination/Hulk battle rages in the final act, but honestly, by the time we’re at that point, we’re hooked. It’s the Spielberg JAWS theory at work. When he was confronted about the unrealistic ending of the shark jumping out of the water, onto the boat and exploding with a shot to an airtank, he responded that if he didn’t have the audience by that point, then there was no saving the film.

The reality is that Norton and Roth both play the hell out of the movie and have you invested in their characters, so when they're CG creatures, you still picture Norton and Roth and carry that baggage with you.

Liv Tyler, William Hurt and Tim Blake Nelson are all strong in the supporting cast. There is a little King Kong or Beauty and the Beast to Betty and Hulk’s relationship… but there’s also an undercurrent of the abusive husband going on. Norton’s torn up, he’s driven to cure himself and control his anger by the fact that he hurt Betty when he first transformed.

She doesn’t look at it that way, but he sure does. It haunts him, it drives him. In other words, it gives him real character.

I think that’s the biggest surprise of the movie. We knew that Leterrier would bring the action. His work on the TRANSPORTER guaranteed us that. The worry was that after all the negative buzz with disputes between Norton and the producers that it’d just be a hollow shell of a movie… pretty, with good action, but empty. That’s not the case.

That said, I’m really damn curious about what these 70 missing minutes will be… Leterrier has said there’ll be 70 minutes of cut footage on the DVD and Blu-Ray releases. I recently toured the NY Marvel Comics offices and while I was there I saw a Hulk board with stills from the movie. Most of them were stills we’d seen before, but there was one of Hulk standing on an iceberg and a killer whale jumping at him, jaws open.

Having seen the movie… not only is that scene not in the film… but at no point is there snow or ice or anything like that. What the hell was that?!? Where the hell was that?!? Very curious.

Okay, rambling over… The movie’s solid, the movie’s fun and, the best part… you don’t have to check your brain at the door.

What's UFC's Big Announcement?

What's UFC's Big Announcement?
Handicapping Thursday's industry-changing announcement.
by Bill Barnwell

June 10, 2008 - The UFC's planned a big announcement for this week that, according to president Dana White, will shock the industry. To further the point, White's rented out a location in New York to tell all his employees about said announcement, which could be a red herring, but likely is a true representation of the magnitude of this potential announcement, one that White's said is both "out of left field" and "will change the industry for the next five years".

Of course, there's been heaping amounts of speculation regarding what the announcement will be. We have a poll on the front page of IGN Sports with a mix of realistic suggestions and comical ones (unless you consider Chuck Liddell shaving his mohawk to be serious business), but it's worth seriously analyzing the possibilities and what they might be. We'll name the rumors and put odds on each actually being the big news.

Floyd Mayweather Signing With UFC: This rumor currently leads our poll, and it's easy to understand why. The former boxing champion already diversified his brand by signing with WWE for a match and appearing on "Dancing With The Stars", so he's comfortable going outside of boxing. Mayweather is famously all about the money, and the rumors have pegged him receiving a huge purse and potential stake in the company were he to join UFC. Furthermore, he recently retired in a sudden, unexpected fashion, only months before a huge money fight with Oscar de la Hoya.

It's that fact which makes us believe that Mayweather's not the story. Sure, UFC wouldn't have wanted him to fight de la Hoya if the possibility was that he'd lose, but Mayweather wasn't likely to give up a purse and pay-per-view bonus of $30+ million only to fight in a new sport. Furthermore, who would he fight in UFC that would make a big money fight? That's a topic for another article altogether, but Mayweather would likely have to bulk up to 155 to fight BJ Penn, and even that doesn't seem like a huge money fight. The possibility is there, but we're not biting on it being the announcement. (In addition, shortly after this article was posted, White said on CNBC that the announcement was not a deal with Mayweather.)Odds: 20:1

UFC Linking Up With WWE: Arguably the most shocking of all the rumors would see WWE buying or establishing some sort of partnership with UFC, a move WWE could see as more enticing in lieu of actually competing against the company for pay-per-view dollars. It would seem impossible, though, that such a huge deal could come out of nowhere. (White also confirmed that this was not the announcement.) Odds: 200:1

UFC Becoming Licensed In New York/Announcing Show in New York: In addition, it's not entirely clear whether UFC would be able to run a show at Madison Square Garden because of WWE's exclusive deal with the arena that keeps other wrestling companies out -- whether UFC would be subject to that is still up for debate and dependent upon the wording of the WWE's deal.

The UFC hired away influential Nevada State Athletic Commission head Marc Ratner to lobby for MMA (and with it, UFC) to be legalized in new states, and New York was likely the first commission that the UFC targeted. Running New York (specifically Madison Square Garden) gives the company a level of legitimacy and respect amongst "old media" that it craves. Considering that the announcement will be made in New York (granted, it's where the company is headquartered), the odds are that this is the favorite. Odds: 4:1

A Change In Rounds: A smaller announcement that's been rumored is a move to five-round fights for regular fights and seven rounds for title fights. The argument against this is simple: Kalib Starnes. Odds: 175:1

A New TV Show: Although the UFC already has The Ultimate Fighter and UFC Unleashed on Spike, there's always going to be speculation that UFC seeks a network deal to supplement that coverage. When you factor in the success of EliteXC's show on CBS, the situation is as ripe as it's ever been for UFC to get a huge television deal. That could be a major network station or a pay station like HBO -- either way, although Dana's denied that it's a network deal, we think he could be lying. Odds: 18:1

The Signing of Fedor Emelianenko: There's been little talk regarding the signing of Fedor since he was released from his M-1 contract. He's currently contracted to fight Tim Sylvia at the debut Affliction show, but he's still a free agent and could theoretically sign with the company. We think that if that was going to happen, it'll happen after Fedor beats Sylvia, not before. Odds: 33:1

N.K.O.T.B. "SUMMATIME VIDEO"

My New Segment Ova 'ere ...WHAT THE FUCK EVER HAPPENED TO THIS FUCKIN' GUY!!!

http://skyroo.com/kirkcameron/kirk.html

CAPONE ZOHAN REVIEW...MY REVIEW MAYBE COMING TONIGHT

Capone says you should actually mess with the Zohan!
Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here.
If you had asked me to name five movies I was dreading seeing this summer, the new Adam Sandler film, YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN, would have been in the top three. I don't have anything against Sandler as a comic actor. I've gotten a kick out of a few films he's done since his leaving "Saturday Night Live" and beginning a career of playing characters with silly voices doing dumb shit. I feel lately he's been trying a little too hard to be likable rather than offensive and/or annoying, and the results have been mixed at best. With last year's I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY, he grazed the subject of gay marriage and managed to piss off both gay and straight people with him ham-handed attempt at a message film. Today the film's lasting impression on anyone is that Jessica Biel looks phenomenal in her underwear. On the surface, ZOHAN is following a similar trend (it didn't encourage me that CHUCK & LARRY director Dennis Dugan was helming this film, as well). And it does seem appallingly bold of Sandler to even broach the subject of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict using humor, but the weird thing is that something about this movie actually works. I found myself laughing more than I have in a very long time at a Sandler comedy. Hell, even the standard-issue Rob Schneider role didn't annoy me much.

I'd love to say I know the reason why ZOHAN turned out as well as it did. One could look at the writing credits for an easy answer: the screenplay is credited to Sandler, Robert Smigel (the SNL writer who created Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and "TV Funhouse"), and the omnipresent Judd Apatow. I'm not saying better writing didn't have something to do with the film being one of the most entertaining self-made Sandler films of the decade, but there's something more going on here. Sandler still wants us to like his character, a Mossad counter-terrorist agent who fakes his own death and reappears in New York City to begin life anew as a hairdresser. But Sandler and Dugas also want us (or at least the ladies) to find Zohan sexy, desirable and dangerously handsome. Zohan's nemesis is the Palestinian assassin known only as The Phantom (the glorious John Turturro, who hasn't been this wonderfully over-the-top since THE BIG LEBOWSKI). These men are not just soldiers in a holy war; they are supermen who can defy gravity, physics, and logic with their skills. Zohan can even barbeque and disco at the same time in the nude (there is more bare ass in the film than I could handle).

Knowing that he would suffer terrible humiliation if his hairdressing fantasy was ever brought to light in his own country, he lets the world believe The Phantom has killed him, and he smuggles himself into America where he hopes not to be recognized. Since he has no experience as a stylist, he's unable to get his dream job at the Paul Mitchell hair salon, and he ends up working for a Palestinian cutie named Dalia (Emmanuelle Chriqui from "Entourage"). Once he finally gets a pair of scissors, some shampoo, and his first client, Zohan works his magic on the old ladies that frequent the rundown salon. But he adds his own special brand of customer service by schtupping each one, which pretty much guarantees repeat business. The noises alone are enough to make you heave, but there's no denying the concept is funny. I also particularly liked the sequences with the family Zohan is staying with (the mom is played by Lainie Kazan, with Nick Swardson, who is particularly funny as her son who must endure the knowledge that mom is bedding his new friend).

Sandler continues his tradition of packing his movie with celebrity cameos, including everyone from Michael Buffer as the film's villain, a real estate developer who wants to build a mega-mall where the salon is; Schneider as a Palestinian New York City cab driver, who has a history with Zohan and wants him dead; Kevin Nealon as a cowardly neighborhood watch agent who works with Zohan to clean up the community; and a few others that deserve to stay surprises. And while the love story between Zohan and Dalia is fairly run of the mill, the rest of the film is a little more inventive. Never have I seen such a crotch-centered PG-13 movie. Jokes about Zohan's enormous and constant bulge fill every inch of this movie (turns out the bulge is from his massive man-bush and not his penis). When Zohan is teaching a fellow stylist his technique, he makes sure to show him how to rub his crotch against the arm of the client while he's washing their hair. "It's okay, they like it," he insists. It's pervy and wrong, but it's also hilarious watching two men hump the shoulders of an old lady. Don't ask me why.

ZOHAN takes a stab at offering a can't-we-all-just-get-along solution to the centuries-old Middle East crisis, and on that level it fails miserably. But that part of the film makes up such a small fraction of the proceedings that it didn't stop me from having a lot of fun watching this return-to-silly form from Sandler and his buddies. The film is uneven--no surprise there--but it's less so than some of Sandler's more recent broad comedies. Ultimately, I tend to judge any comedy by one criteria: Was I laughing during this film more often than I wasn't laughing? Fortunately, ZOHAN has quite a lot of big and small laughs. Sure it also has an oversimplified look at and solution to a major global situation and heaps of unnecessary sentimentality, but the funny outweighs these deficiencies.

McG Talks Terminator

McG updated his T4 blog today, shedding some light on what we can expect in the film and addressing the possibly spurious online chat concerning the ending that has been doing the rounds on the Net in recent days.

Here are some of the more interesting nuggets: "This movie takes place several years after Judgment Day, but prior to 2029. Just like it took a long time to get an HD plasma screen in our world, it took Skynet a lot of research and development to get to the T-800, and this movie explores that 'space between.' We have all been fascinated with the world after Judgment Day. Here it is."

He also described some of the robotic critters we'll get to see: "In this film, there are Hydrobots that patrol the water, Transports that move human prisoners around, Harvesters that collect human beings as lab rats for Skynet and Aerostats that survey all that is going on with the resistance the world over.

"We've started shooting the T-600 -- the bigger, grimier, nastier version that preceded the T-800. Like Reese says, 'They're easier to spot but they pack a mini gun and carry kick ass fire power.' They're eight-foot tall killers that prowl the badlands looking for anything with a heartbeat to terminate."

On the much-derided decision to make the film a PG-13, he said: "Oh yeah, don't get too uptight about the prospect of the film being PG-13. We have entertained the idea of a PG-13 rating largely because Batman Begins, in my opinion, was made compromise-free. So we'll see. The movie comes first and it will be protected at all times…"

And finally talking about the spoileriffic rumours we've been hearing, he enigmatically responded: "By the way, there are only three people who know the ending." Thanks for clearing that up McG!